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From Psychology Today...
One of the ways I try to help parents make this distinction is by comparing pride to admiration. While pride refers to a feeling we have for someone as they relate to us, admiration exists independently of this connection.
When parents over-involve themselves with their child’s activities or achievements, they can actually act as a barrier between the child and his or her unique experience. Very often, parents connect to their child in ways that are unintentionally intrusive or possessive. This can be a hard pattern to catch on to, because something like coaching or attending every basketball game your child plays in sounds like a good thing. However, there’s a difference between watching the games and emotionally involving yourself in every win or loss. Parents who shout at the ref from the sidelines or whose mood depends on their child’s performance are treating the game as if they’re playing it themselves.
Parents should try to be attuned to how caught up they feel in their child’s achievements and wary of the times when they cross the line from appreciating their child as a separate person and feeling like the child is almost a part of them—that the child’s achievements are their achievements. For example, when a child is drawing, there’s a big difference between the parent saying, “Look at all the shapes you’re making. I really like the blue triangles. Can you show me how you drew that?” and saying, “Wow, that’s so beautiful. You’re mommy’s little artist. I’m gonna show everybody what you drew for me.” I’ve talked about the problems with offering a child false praise, but one major issue is that it can make a child feel like the achievement isn’t their own—like it’s really all about the parent. This can have a negative effect on the child. I’ve known several kids who’ve actually dropped out of activities they used to love—a sport they excelled at or art forms they were involved in—just because they felt their parent had taken over.
Another problem with pride is that it can come off as pressure. As parents, we can be demanding and critical or praising and prideful, but both sides of the coin can have the same effect; they can make our child feel pressured and disconnected from their own undertakings and accomplishments. Children may feel they have to achieve in order to win their parent’s love. They may feel the added pressure of the parent’s own expectations and how they reflect on their parent.
Parents don’t intentionally do this to hurt their child. Sometimes, they offer praise and build-up in an effort to be encouraging. Perhaps, they didn’t feel supported by their own parents as kids, and they have a tendency to try and compensate. Parents over-involvement with their child’s accomplishments can also stem from parents not feeling good about themselves. They may turn to their children to provide them with self-esteem. They may have a need for their child to accomplish things for which they never had the opportunity or support in an attempt to be connected to the accomplishment.
Parents can catch on to ways they may be over-connecting by noticing when they feel extra attached to their child’s interests or are starting to have that feeling that the child is an extension of them. They may see their child as reflecting on them and feel either overly critical and embarrassed or prideful and accomplished. Children often feel hurt when they don’t feel seen by their parents. When parents only see themselves and their hopes and dreams in their child, they’re robbing themselves of the real joys of knowing their child, and the child is missing the essential experience of being known.
One of the ways I try to help parents make this distinction is by comparing pride to admiration. While pride refers to a feeling we have for someone as they relate to us, admiration exists independently of this connection.
When parents over-involve themselves with their child’s activities or achievements, they can actually act as a barrier between the child and his or her unique experience. Very often, parents connect to their child in ways that are unintentionally intrusive or possessive. This can be a hard pattern to catch on to, because something like coaching or attending every basketball game your child plays in sounds like a good thing. However, there’s a difference between watching the games and emotionally involving yourself in every win or loss. Parents who shout at the ref from the sidelines or whose mood depends on their child’s performance are treating the game as if they’re playing it themselves.
Parents should try to be attuned to how caught up they feel in their child’s achievements and wary of the times when they cross the line from appreciating their child as a separate person and feeling like the child is almost a part of them—that the child’s achievements are their achievements. For example, when a child is drawing, there’s a big difference between the parent saying, “Look at all the shapes you’re making. I really like the blue triangles. Can you show me how you drew that?” and saying, “Wow, that’s so beautiful. You’re mommy’s little artist. I’m gonna show everybody what you drew for me.” I’ve talked about the problems with offering a child false praise, but one major issue is that it can make a child feel like the achievement isn’t their own—like it’s really all about the parent. This can have a negative effect on the child. I’ve known several kids who’ve actually dropped out of activities they used to love—a sport they excelled at or art forms they were involved in—just because they felt their parent had taken over.
Another problem with pride is that it can come off as pressure. As parents, we can be demanding and critical or praising and prideful, but both sides of the coin can have the same effect; they can make our child feel pressured and disconnected from their own undertakings and accomplishments. Children may feel they have to achieve in order to win their parent’s love. They may feel the added pressure of the parent’s own expectations and how they reflect on their parent.
Parents don’t intentionally do this to hurt their child. Sometimes, they offer praise and build-up in an effort to be encouraging. Perhaps, they didn’t feel supported by their own parents as kids, and they have a tendency to try and compensate. Parents over-involvement with their child’s accomplishments can also stem from parents not feeling good about themselves. They may turn to their children to provide them with self-esteem. They may have a need for their child to accomplish things for which they never had the opportunity or support in an attempt to be connected to the accomplishment.
Parents can catch on to ways they may be over-connecting by noticing when they feel extra attached to their child’s interests or are starting to have that feeling that the child is an extension of them. They may see their child as reflecting on them and feel either overly critical and embarrassed or prideful and accomplished. Children often feel hurt when they don’t feel seen by their parents. When parents only see themselves and their hopes and dreams in their child, they’re robbing themselves of the real joys of knowing their child, and the child is missing the essential experience of being known.
